Hello Darling,
Today's post is a little more real and raw and it's partly being written so I can speak my thoughts out loud, even if no one is actually listening.
Mental health over the last few years has certainty become more of an open topic of discussion, particularly with the younger generations. This is brilliant for anyone suffering mental health issues, it's easier for individuals to talk about their problems, which could get them the help they need, or save their life. Today I'm not actually going to discuss mental health and why the stigma needs to be reduced, I'm going to talk more about my experience with mental health which mainly regards my mum.
I almost feel like the collateral damage when it comes to her illness. While I'm not suffering myself, I still suffer the effects and aftermath of her illness. My mum was diagnosed with depression in her teens/early adulthood, I think. As a child, I don't remember much of her depression impacting me particularly, other than when my brother was born and she suffered a lot with really bad postnatal depression. I think part of the reason I don't remember her being depressed is because we lived around a lot of family, so I was often with a Nanna or Grandad, but also her depression has certainly worsened over the years and there is no doubt that my younger brother and sister will certainly remember her depression when they are my age. The fact I can't remember her the way she is now, makes it particularly painful now as I can remember what she used to be like. My mum is honestly the funniest woman I have ever met and she's so pretty even though she doesn't think so, she's cool and listens to good music and nearly everyone who meets her thinks she's ace. But the problem is, over the years her unique and charismatic personality has gradually melted away. She doesn't like to leave the house or speak to her friends, she's asleep more than she's awake, she has no confidence anymore and struggles to meet new people and watching her amazing personality gradually fade away is so difficult to watch, especially when I can't relate to her and understand why.
I am constantly in a state between anger and sadness with her, which means I go through periods of resenting her but then afterwards feeling guilty and upset with myself because I understand that she has an illness. As the eldest child, especially when I'm home from University, when she's on her 'down days' a lot of her burdens fall on me. I look after my little brother and sister and make sure they're ok, as well as dealing with the constant phone calls and texts from my Nanna asking how she is, which she sits locked in a dark room sleeping for 20 hours of the day. As a result, I get angry. How can you help someone who refuses to help themselves? How can she not understand that she has responsibilities above her own feelings? How can someone have so much self-pity when everyone around them is struggling and worried? Then I feel guilty. Is this even her fault? Does she choose to be this way? What can I do to help? Then days later, when she's up and cleaning up the aftermath of her darker days, I'm expected to act normally - this is the norm.
I'm constantly worried about what she could do to herself, but also stressed about how her illness is impacting everyone else and it means I'm stuck in a never ending dilemma of how to feel about it.
When she's on ok days, my Mum is literally my best friend. But when she's going down, I can't understand why she doesn't fight back. We're all here to support her, but it feels like we're not enough. What's stopping her fighting? What voice is telling her to go to sleep and ignore her life and to lock herself away and unplug her phone and why can't she say no to it?
What's more, it's so difficult to find council in someone else. It almost feels embarrassing to discuss with some people how much your family are struggling and I certainly don't want sympathy off someone. When you do finally pluck the courage up and talk to someone about the situation, they can't offer any solution that hasn't already been exhausted. Do you think I haven't tried to talk to her? Do you think we haven't forced her to counselling or therapy? But there's only so far we can physically go, she has to help herself and until that point, I'm constantly trapped in this same space of resentment and guilt.
I don't know what causes depression, or what has made it worsen. I don't know why my Mum hates herself so much and I don't know why we're not good enough to fight it, but I do know that I don't wish it upon anyone and if I could have my old mum back, I'd swap it without hesitation. It's so difficult to watch someone in pain with themselves and know that you can't do anything to help and make them feel at ease. As depression grows, so does the worry that the original mum and best friend that I remember, is just going to vanish completely.
Hopefully this is helpful to someone out there and if anyone wants to discuss this post maybe you have a parent or family member who's suffering with mental illness, feel free to leave a comment below or contact me via email.
Make every second beautiful and have a pretty day,.
Kay x
- 09:01
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